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Big Business

Suicide was big business these days. Competition was killing and it was hard for SuiciDial to keep its head above water. CEO Wallace Wyndham therefore took some desperate measures. He spent the entire government budget on an obscene marketing campaign, bringing SuiciDial everywhere from billboards to on-flight commercials. Soon, calls started pouring in. Wallace understood perfectly that customer satisfaction was key and initiated phase two: switching to a pay-per-minute scheme and dramatically increasing call-length. The new excruciatingly slow menu worked miracles here: “Press one if you are about to kill yourself right now…. Press two if the idea ever crossed your mind…. Press three….” SuiciDial thrived since entering phase three: cutting costs, but it also had it’s price: increasingly, SuiciDial’s employees suffered from burnouts and depressions. The first casualties had been registered. But Wallace tackled that problem by starting an internal suicide hotline, which grew rapidly.

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